And Just When She Thinks She Can Take No More...

I'd like to think that there is more to this life than living and dying and trying to make it thru the day. More than the monotony that can be seen continually day in and day out as if nothing will ever change. I don't want to live my life doing the exact same thing, just struggling like it will never end with nothing else seemingly in sight. Why does it have to be such a battle?! Lately everything feels like it is a war between heaven and hell. A struggle between angels and demons for my very soul. I know it's a time and season but when it has been so long, you can't help but wonder if you are left wandering aimlessly in the desert for the next 40 years. My soul is tired, I am weary and I am weak. I am not strong enough, I feel I am about to break. To fall apart at the seams and come undone. I am not strong like Job, I do not have his strength and I only wish I had his faith. I am not strong enough to do this alone! We never do want the suffering before the reward. We don't want the delayed gratification; we want the instant gratification. The suffering is never good for the present but in the end we reap the reward. However, I feel as though there is no end in sight and I feel it has gone on for far too long. God knows my limits and when my heart can take no more. He will not give us more than we can handle but He will take us to our limit. I love God and I will serve Him wherever He calls me and leads me even if it is walking it alone. (Though I'd much prefer not too. God gave Eve a rib of Adam for a reason. To leave his father and mother and cleave to his Eve. I want to be someone's ezer kenegdo; I want to be desperately needed. We can't help but desire to be wanted, needed and captivating. It's the desires the very Creator of this universe placed inside of all women! I love the idea that beauty is the essence of God...)
I am tired literally and spiritually. I need peace and I need rest. I need someone else to be strong for me. Sounds lame but I can be only so strong for so long. It's all spent, mostly on others but even I need someone who gives to me. I'd love for it to be my turn; for there to be someone out there that gives into my life. Amazing. I'd definitely give back in leaps and bounds. More love and loyalty than most have had. A devotion and dedication like few have ever known.