My Passionate Pursuit...

To have finally found what I have dreamed about only to watch it get snatched away by a time schedule conflict. It's hard to sit through one class to only find that it might not be. Anyone who knows me can attest to the fact that I love all things criminal justice and all things law enforcement. Even more so, I am known for my passionate pursuit of a career in Homeland Security and counterterrorism. I happened upon the Fall 2009 criminal justice classes through a community college and have found my Cinderella perfect fit. There are few things in this life that fit me better to a T than Homeland Security related courses.
My elation however has been short lived by a serious time related conflict. It is with great sadness I find that I may have to drop a particular class now that I have found it. Issues in Homeland Security, could there be a better course for someone such as myself?! The Intro to Terrorism class on Thursdays, there seems to be no time conflict for that class but I really was hoping to take both courses. It's hard to find something so perfect and so right only to watch it slowly slip out of my grasp over something so fixable.
At least both classes are taught by the same professor. The Issues in Homeland Security is on the Marine base too which is just so cool. It really couldn't be more of my thing if it had my name on the course title. If there was an admission in the dictionary, my picture would be next to it.
God knows how much this truly is the desire of my heart. However much it pains me, I know that this will work itself out and I will be able to finish my educational pursuit in this degree field. Still sad though, very sad...

Things I Want To Do and Try...

Things I Want To Do
--Find the love of my life--Publish my writings--Write a book--Bungee jump off the bridge to nowhere--Live life to the fullest--Go white water rafting--Learn to dance: ramba, tango, latin, and salsa--Swim with dolphins--Ride in a helicopter--Visit the Grand Canyon, go down into the ruins--Go to Hawaii and the beautiful beaches--Learn to ride a horse--Be a cowgirl for a day--See what it's like to live on a farm--Play ball at a major league park--See a game at --Horseback ride along the beach--Snorkle in a lagoon--Visit Alaskan wilderness--Skinny dip in a hot spring--Swing off a rope into a lake--Ride in --Go to a real club with live music, the swanky kind (like in the 1920's, 30's, and 40's)--Learn to sing, take lessons--Learn to sail--Tomato festival, throw tomatoes--Run a super sprint triathlon--Walk the paths of Jesus and Paul in Jerusalem, visit Mars Hill--Visit the Louvre--Visit Normandy and other WWII memorials in Europe--Learn to snowboard--Learn to fish or flyfish--Learn sign language--Learn a foreign language, enough to communicate in a conversation with ease--Learn 3 different martial art forms enough to be proficient--Take a violin lesson--Learn to play the piano well enough to play a song like Breathe Me by Sia--Take a belly dancing class--Go snorkeling in a shipwreck--Go rock climbing--Go see the Northern Lights (the Aurora Borealis)--See the Great Barrier Reef--Look at stars and planets through an observatory--Sleep out under the stars (where many can be seen)--Go to a winery and see the entire process from vine to bottle--Get a Master's--Help build a Habitat for Humanity home--Create an online art gallery of my work--Audition for something just for the heck of it--Invent something then patent it--Visit the San Diego Zoo--Mush a dog sled--Stay in a house on the beach for a week--Stay in a log cabin--Go to the ballet--Expand my collection of baseball memorbilia

My Guardian Angel

Your Guardian Angel
By Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

When I see your smile
Tears run down my face
I can't replace
And now that I'm strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one
I will never let you fall (let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven
Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away and
Please tell me you'll stay, stay
Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

The Dissolution of Marriage: The End of the Family

I think that any couple that is seriously considering getting married should first sit through divorce court. I don't mean that corny cheesy divorce court you see on TV. I mean the divorce proceedings that are done in the family services court. The proceedings that decide the division of assets, the custody of children and the dissolution of marriage. It is the death of family that takes place there. I think that the seriousness of marriage, and the weight that goes into the commitment will be realized in such a place. It's a cold, matter of fact proceeding that boils down to little more than paperwork and a judge finalizing the details of the divorce. It's like attending a funeral for the marriage of families. It's a tragedy that's what it is!
I've never taken marriage lightly but it definitely made me wonder how people can go from being so in love to two people coldly sitting across from one another with their lawyers smoothing out the details to the end of their relationship. It's insanity!
That's just my thoughts on the topic. I want to get married, don't get me wrong, that is a strong desire of my heart. It's always been there and it always will be. But when I make that commitment, I want it to be for life. Divorce should not be an option. It should be through the good times and the bad-no matter how hard it gets! I am willing to commit to forever and so should whoever it will be. That is how marriage is designed to be. Unfortunately, the system is beyond broken and the children who are lost in the proceedings is the true tragedy in all of this!
It should be simple and people complicate it! Life is not meant to have all this pain and suffering but we sure know how to make it more about the suffering than the joy and happiness...
We have an entire generation of broken people because marriage and family is taken so lightly.

Recently I had what might be considered an epiphany of sorts. It was more like a realization of how I approach love. What it would mean for me if I had a man's love and how it would truly be enough for me. Learning to love God more and more, and the beauty of His great love towards us has taught me that to have his love is better than all the riches in the world because all the riches in the world can not buy love. I'd rather he be poor and all he has to give is his love than he be rich and try to buy my love because all the possessions in the world would not suffice without his love and devotion. I don't ask for much but what I do ask is for his heart and all his love...
Of that realization comes this letter of sorts, or declaration. Whatever it may be, it is of my true nature what I want in life and love...

My Dearest,
I want your love. I want nothing else from you. I want no diamond rings, no pretty things. If I have your love then it is enough for me. If I have it and I know it is true then it is enough to sustain me forevermore. Do not worry about a house or all those nice things for there is nothing else in this life that shines quite like the light of your love. If I can have it for my own and you are mine then possibly what else could you give me better than your heart and your love?! It might be what other women want, but I am not them. Your love is all I ask of you. With it I can make a heaven in hell's despair. For out of your love, I will get all the nourishment I'll ever need. If it is mine there is no other treasure on this earth that comes close to comparing. I will love you and I wait (with great anticipation) giving it all to you. God knows who my heart belongs to and who He will entrust it to. I hope more than anything that it is you that He hands it to. I will love you and want for nothing else in this life but your love. Please do not take it away once you give it to me. For your love and light sustain me! Forever and for always...(you have stolen my heart)


Just a bit of revelation there...but that's the premise pretty much right there...

Some Old Poetry I Wrote...

How could I not see you
Standing there in the cold
The rain falling down
dancing off your shadow
In the bright moonlight
Silently you reach out to me
to wipe away my tears
The touch of your hand
upon my cheek
Warms me to the depth of my soul
How could I feel lost
when I look into your eyes
I know I have found my home
it is here safe in your arms
I used to think
I could make it on my own
Hold the pain inside
and never let it go
But I was blind by the darkness
stumbling with no one
to help me find my way
Broken and alone
Until the day I met you
You reached out your hand
grasping mine never letting go
You turned my world so I looked
at it a different way
Now I smile when I think of you
and the light you brought
that shines inside of me
Making me whole when you are near
I know that I am complete
How I got this far without you
beside me...(How I do love you).

[I don't even remember if there was a guy that influenced this one back in the day. I just found it in a notebook so I'm posting it. I guess it could have just been written with no one in particular in mind. We'll never really know for sure. Originally written: 10/12/03]


The Light of Your Son...
shines warmth on my face
Resting my weary soul
comforting the brokenness within
Your brilliance illuminates my eyes
Till your glory is all I see
I lay still and revel in the fullness of your love

How your hands reach so far out to me

The continual stregnth of your power
overcomes my many weaknesses
Opening my vulnerability completely
before your throne
With you there are no hidden things
In your presence I have no secrets

You wait for me to come so patiently

In your presence I can not
help but break
The pain, anguish and tears
I've kept inside for so long
Flow freely as I feel your spirit
wash over me renewing my heart

My soul is awakened and I am undone

With one touch you took away
What I build up to shut you out
I stand in amazement at what your
love has done
Your love has changed me
I'm new again, refreshed and renewed

Forever thankful, eternally grateful
You have made your mercies new every mourning...

And Just When She Thinks She Can Take No More...

I'd like to think that there is more to this life than living and dying and trying to make it thru the day. More than the monotony that can be seen continually day in and day out as if nothing will ever change. I don't want to live my life doing the exact same thing, just struggling like it will never end with nothing else seemingly in sight. Why does it have to be such a battle?! Lately everything feels like it is a war between heaven and hell. A struggle between angels and demons for my very soul. I know it's a time and season but when it has been so long, you can't help but wonder if you are left wandering aimlessly in the desert for the next 40 years. My soul is tired, I am weary and I am weak. I am not strong enough, I feel I am about to break. To fall apart at the seams and come undone. I am not strong like Job, I do not have his strength and I only wish I had his faith. I am not strong enough to do this alone! We never do want the suffering before the reward. We don't want the delayed gratification; we want the instant gratification. The suffering is never good for the present but in the end we reap the reward. However, I feel as though there is no end in sight and I feel it has gone on for far too long. God knows my limits and when my heart can take no more. He will not give us more than we can handle but He will take us to our limit. I love God and I will serve Him wherever He calls me and leads me even if it is walking it alone. (Though I'd much prefer not too. God gave Eve a rib of Adam for a reason. To leave his father and mother and cleave to his Eve. I want to be someone's ezer kenegdo; I want to be desperately needed. We can't help but desire to be wanted, needed and captivating. It's the desires the very Creator of this universe placed inside of all women! I love the idea that beauty is the essence of God...)
I am tired literally and spiritually. I need peace and I need rest. I need someone else to be strong for me. Sounds lame but I can be only so strong for so long. It's all spent, mostly on others but even I need someone who gives to me. I'd love for it to be my turn; for there to be someone out there that gives into my life. Amazing. I'd definitely give back in leaps and bounds. More love and loyalty than most have had. A devotion and dedication like few have ever known.

Reckless Abandonment

What if God handed you everything you wanted in this life and then asked you to abandon it all for the sake of the call?! Could you do it, could you walk away from everything in this life that you hoped for, prayed for and dreamed about? Could you do it with a willing heart? Could you do it cheerfully?! That's the place that God wants to get us: where we completely surrender our will to His will and His timing...
If God required it of me, could I walk away from working law enforcement, from this dream job?! Could I go and be a missionary in a country like Africa; could I do it even if it meant being on the otherside of the world away from everyone I know and love?! When God asked, "Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?" Will I answer, "Here am I: send me." (Isaiah 6:8) Am I willing to pay the price for reckless abandonment?! If I make it my life's prayer to live continually humbling myself before His mighty hand then daily I am becoming that vessel fit for His use...
He has my heart and He has my life; all of me is in His hands. I sacrifice my desires so that He might live through me for those around me to see. I am His no matter what that might mean and no matter what He asks of me! Amen!!

Make My Life A Prayer To You...

Philippians 3: 7-16

"But what things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ. Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith; that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death, if, by any means, I may attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Therefore let us, as many as are mature, have this mind; and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal even this to you. Nevertheless, to the degree that we have already attained, let us walk by the same rule, let us be of the same mind."

Make my life a prayer to you, I want to do what You want me to. No empty words and no white lies. No token prayers no compromise...

Contemplative Wonderings

Of What A Man Should Be

What I see in you is a reflection
of the one to be
Like a mirror that tells no tales
Holds no lies and breaks no truths
For in the reflection may it be seen
What truly must be
A man of pure heart
and intentions so true
That only passion's Holy fire
May burn here forever new
Hold it close to you
never let it go
Be upright, blameless and renewed
Of one spirit and soul
Burn Holy fire
bright white and true...



This next poem is still under construction, I wrote it awhile ago but I still find there are parts of it that need fixed...This poem is not meant to treat marriage as a mistake, rather it is something of quite the opposite. I think that most people do not approach marriage with enough respect for the unity of two souls. Most people look for the other person to complete them but only God can do that; we should rather try to find someone who will complement us because only Jesus can complete that yearning in our hearts. I think that marriage is the most beautiful analogy God could use to show us the splendor of his glory. It is the most glorious beauty in all of creation liken only to the Trinity that is the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I have the utmost respect for the sanctity of marriage; it is the one thing I want most out of life that still has eluded me but it is all in His perfect timing and His will. When we are faithful to Him, He is faithful to fulfill the desires of our heart. He knows every beat of our heart and what it is we yearn for. He will bless us abundantly above all we could ever ask or think. He knows not only what we want but the unspoken needs. To trust God in revealing slowly the beauty of this discovery is the most exciting aspect of it all. We do not know what the future holds or who He has for us but our heart trusts in where He leads. Before we were formed, fashioned and made; He knew our frame. He knew who it was our heart would wait for and in His perfect timing He would bring those two hearts together. All these years I have waited, not knowing, hoping at different times that it might be the one in front of my eyes but He would keep telling me not yet, just wait and believe. There were times I stumbled, and oh how I fell. I felt that pieces of my heart shatter, at times fearful that it would not be put back together, but patiently He took my scarred heart and made it new. He has taught me patience and to wait on Him and not to wait on man. God never disappoints and if my heart is focused on Him, I can not stumble on the distractions around me.
10 years ago, I did not know who it was I was waiting for but I still prayed. I was 17 but God was preparing me all this time for what it is He has called and chosen me to be. All the things I have gone through in that time was to prepare me for his purpose for my life. I do not think it was by accident that I am where I am. He intricately weaved the details that play out continually. If God required it of me I would wait forever long as He pleased. I don't necessarily think that is what He wants for me but I think that He wanted me in that place of contentment where I surrendered of myself so completely. In ways I could not have imagined a little over a year ago, my life is falling into place. I am blessed with friends who know my value, I have my dream job lined up and practically in the bag (still definitely praying that it goes through) and I have a trust and faith in God about my future love that can not be changed. I have a peace about these things and I have for sometime that even in turmoil, my heart did rest easy. God has been my all in all and my everything and through it all I have held (sometimes barely clinging) to His word and His promises...
[Funny how I was only going to write a brief prelude to my poem and now an entire long blog later, I am barely getting to the original reason for this in the first place-the poem).



If I Make The Mistake Of Marriage
If I make the mistake of marriage, I hope it will be holding your hand
I'd rather give it a try than to never know
It might not end up being forever but I hope to walk this path beside you
I for a moment wanted to make you cry only to know if you truly loved me
But the very thought of that tear escaping down your cheek
Makes my eyes well up with the thought of you even momentarily hurt
If I had it my way we would never fight
I could not bear to break your heart for mine would shatter from the impact
I want every moment you spend with me to leave your soul lifted
With no hope of every coming back down
For my happiness in words you could never fully know
To know that you don't want to live without me
And to walk away would be the greatest mistake

To love and feel no pain is to never love at all

Because if we are together and meant forever
Then pain is the greatest proving ground of them all
(for in that momentary glimpse, so intense my desire to never see you hurt
I would know that I could love you and do you good for all your days
For the slightest harm towards you would feel like a thousand knifes
cutting into my very soul for you would be my Achilles heel-
the one thing that could definitely destroy me)

I want you to wake up and miss me
While it is I'm sleeping right beside you
If you are far away and yet can feel me there then you know how much I care
If I make your stomach flutter and your insides turn to mush
If I can make your cheeks flush with just one glance
(and your gaze I can not seem to hold though everything inside of me
never wants to tear my eyes away)
All these little things that make you crazy and drive you insane
If my kiss is the only and last you want
When you find my flaws adorable and somehow sexy
When all it takes is a smile to forget why you were mad in the first place
When you can look me in the eye and imagine what our children may be

I want to give you peace and make you feel needed
To give you all of myself so completely
I don't want to make you suffer, that is never my aim
I want to give you the benefit of all our years together
To know you love me is all I ever truly need
(I do not care for how or why even if it is of pity, for your love is enough in itself for me)
Though gifts now and again can only add to your gain
This will be a dance and I will let you lead
Always take the time to dance when you feel the need
There will be a song even if there are no words
For every memory we make will be what we sing
Don't let go of me even if you start to hear the music fade
With a little effort it will play once more
This life has it's ups and downs but I will do my part
and I hope that you will too

If we are married for years and my hair starts to grey
Yet you still find me attractive despite my years
For it was my heart that reflected my true beauty
If you can laugh even when you think I'm trite
and you find the pleasure in the every day little things
To take time to have fun
To laugh when the clouds are out and dance amidst the rain
Take this journey with me day by day
I will love you always each and every second of every day
I will never take it away once it is given to you
There are none that exist in this fire like you do
I will see no others for they are there but I do not see them
You are all for me from this moment till my body sighs it's last breath

So if we make the mistake of marriage
Let it be the greatest mistake we ever make!

Some Poetry...

Lingering Memory

It was in the stillness of the night
Your face lingered before my eyes
Like never before I am drawn
Stirred by this passion within
Waiting ever so patiently
For your love to awaken me
How this has come about
In many ways I do not doubt
You are my love
My true reason to be
To give my all and still
Have breath within me to breathe
You steal my heartBurning me alive on fire within
Rain falls like angels’ tears
The nights we spend apart
If for a moment I could hold you close
I love you my dearAnd always want to have you near
Never let me suffer such loss
You give me hope to live
That with hope love will fail me not
I have found my one and only
My true love
Be with me for eternity and
I will love you like you have never known…



Jaded Rose

The looking glass is smudged
Making it hard to see
But this heart inside is jaded
Making me what I may be
Sweet misery of days past
Seeing tomorrows turn to today
Yesterdays are regrets as time slips away
The future is faded
The hour glass broken by all
The words that you have spoken
I was a memory until today
When you opened your eyes and prayed
Red like a rose that smelled so new
Withered with the rest of your used
Fight it with all this might
Make it what you will
Jaded not quite right
Thriving on remnants of the shadows At midnight
Lips that feel no more
And a kiss as cold as ice
Sleeping in a beauty that reminds you
Of a love long ago
That would have last
Eyes empty of light without your spark
Crying tears will come no more
What was once innocent and new
With all of you is broken, jagged
Ruined from the inside out and jaded
Knowing you has taken away
So much more than what I gave to you
Leaving this distilled heart alone to brew



Sweetly Unseen

Sweetly he bled
Sweetly he suffered
Sweetly he died
Torn to shreds on the tree at Calvary
Gruesomely he was ripped open and beaten
Pouring forth that precious grace for you and me
Viciously they tore at him like wild animals
The King of all Kings
They jeered, mocked, and cruelly teased
As quietly as he came
He went in tremendous unbelievable agony
His final words shook like thunder in his quiet whisper
“Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”
His last act the proof of his very existence
Still thinking of others while nails
Retched him from that tree
He was bruised and broken,
Soldier after man unwontedly fulfilling prophecy
That not one of them could have foreseen
Every word spoken long before it played out
In the stark darkness in the shadows of those hills
Those that were witness to such horrific atrocities
To the Son of Man
Were glimpsing the as yet unknown
A beauty like none other was unfolding
Through the final breaths he was to breathe...

To My Beating Heart (The Catch 22 of Love)

So tell me if I will ever have my chance at this thing called love
Be still my heart; let not this beating fool you.
For this is only the beginning and heartbreak is but a beat away.
Don't ask if this be not love because if it is
It will paralyze you with terror
But don't ask if this be not love
For it will sting too great to reclaim that which is rightfully yours
Instead, hold onto hope for it is sturdy and reliable
Keeping the most vulnerable hearts protected
With hope, love will fail me not...



Still Heart In Hand

I stand before you with my still heart in hand
Just moments ago
My blood ceased to flow and
my beating heart lay still in my hands
I thought that this was love
so I gave it my all
But instead I was left standing here with this pain
Slowly the darkness crept in and took over
Squeezing the life from this once thriving heart
Scarred tissue and torn apart blackened by hatred
Bitterness became the blood line in which all emotions flowed
So I came to you with my still heart in hand
With tears in my eyes and head hung low
I cried out to you to take my heart back
to revive and hold for safekeeping
You took my heart and the moment
it was back in your hands it pumped
(even surged) and flowed blood red
It was then without a word
That I realized it was you I truly love
It was you all along my heart belonged to
It was never mine to give
For without you I would be left standing
with my still heart in hand...



Worth The Wait (A Love Sonnet)

"Is true love worth the wait
Or has all this been foolish pride
Taken to trickery and fallen to passion's hopeless bait
A forsaken placed where none abide
Where words are weapons of misuse
Lies replace what is truth
An endless pattern of terrific abuse
Therein bring the answer of proof
The one to be of pure and holy intent
One likeness: heart, soul, and mind
Like Him, the one who was lovingly sent
Together as three in one will he bind
No power beyond can withstand
What God in perfection makes, will stand."